Monday, July 16, 2007
Assalamualaikum Warrahmatullahi Ta'ala Wabarakatuh..

Itz been three nights I was hoping he would appear online or at least message me.. sorta three nights looking for him.. n for three nights my heart felt so lonely.. tsk.. 3 malam ku mencarimu??? 3 malam hatiku sunyi??? i'm into this song?? actually, wad i juz typed really happened n is happening..

Absence makes d heart grow fonder? Betcha haf heard of dat.. juz feeling really down at the moment.. Missing someone so much it hurts real bad. I don't know why the sudden.. For the past 3 nights, I couldn't do anything about it. I'm too shy to tell him that I actually missed him so much.. He used to be online almost all d tym but now, he isn't online at all. N i'm this idiot hu can't do anything. yeh, totally nth. I can juz sit here in my room, attempting to study sumting budden, reality check.. my heart isn't at ease so howta expect my mind to be at peace? i juz miss him real bad.. so bad it hurts.. y am i feeling this? ironically, we're not even together.. tsk.. me n my smart decision not to get involved in all these, thinking i'll b d most successful moron not to like anyone and only devote myself to my religion, family n studies? Reality check, i am still thinking abt him. yeh.. sheeshness.. it hurts kay.. i miss him.. shows how much i like him. cud it be more than that? haha.. wadever.. i'm typing all these to let out all d hurts deep within. i didn't show it but i definitely cannot stop feeling it. dese intense pressure of trying to focus on my studies, get him outta my mind and also not stressing up myself at d same time. howz dat gonna happen? honestly, it never happened.. i've never been d successful moron i thought i'd be.. not lyking anyone? n honest joke!!! yeh caz i do lyk sum1. itz been since last yr.. can't help feeling it but me n my stupidity.. i juz kept it all inside. reality check, itz not juz a crush!!! grr!!!

Itz a freaking idiotic joke that I actually tried to make him hate me by being a bitch towards him. all those harshness n belligerence??? possible-not! i msged or typed to him on msn all those hurtful stuff but sumting he never knew, i cried okay while doing all those. i'm not as heartless as he thought i m.. i'm very heartful.. uhuh.. when he told me he was working sumwhere near d mrt station i always alighted to go to sch, i was looking forward towards it but i zipped up. i was scared.. for sum reasons.. i was really scared if he knew the truth.. TOTALLY!!!

another freaking idiotic joke! msged him dumb stuff lyk why's malay LC so tricky? wad kinda crap is dat? i'm laughing at myself really hard! itz lyk obvious-much caz itz LC.. so ya, listen n comprehend. farz, u're d biggest idiot u ever noe of.. honestly, i juz wanted to hear from him.. juz wanted to get a reply.. juz miss his msges real bad.. actually, miss him.. uhuh.. i didn't care how hurtful his reply wud be as long as i got a reply. n boy was i so happy! i cud haf jumped! budden, muz maintain.. tsk.

i practically sent so many ppl gdnyt msges so dat i cud send him too.. n itz lyk obvious-much i wanted to send it to him only.. i was honest enough to send to many ppl so dat i wasn't lying caz i stated things lyk "gdnyte to EVERYONE" n oso "U PPL".. tsk. i feel so loser. lyk come on uh, if u really lyk sum1, u'll do d moz ridiculous things on earth. yeh.

when i c him, my heart doesn't only skip a beat. it skips beats. i cud haf fainted as i didn't get enough oxygenated blood pumped to my heart! itz not only when i c him.. itz oso when he msges me n i'll juz go omg! yay! but obviously i didn't show it.. muz maintain uh..

nw, dere's lyk no news from him. n i was thinking if he's all right. budden, in case he was busy so i dun wanna bother him. moreover, itz his last yr in .. so ya..

i haf dis big problem of being really scared n shy when it comes to him. i tremble when i get his msg, reply his msg, chatting to him.. i seriously tremble.. n i'll haf dis adrenaline rush which juz goes whoosh! duh-much!

in d midst of all these so-called dramatic life, i didn't 4get my one n only creator, Allah. prayed to him umpteen tyms to release all these tensions, get myself at ease n dat if we're meant to be then yay (i obviously didn't use yay when i prayed) n if we're not meant to be then, matchmake me with sum1 better..

i hope one day i can really meet him up n talk.. tho i noe i wud prolly turn him down agn caz of my fear.. Ya Allah, show sum miracle.

Another big problem is dat i haf 2 guyz hu confess to me over n over agn. it makes me mad n i really showed that i was mad.. duh.. wudn't u if u rejected dem over n over agn n dey wudn't juz give up.. so annoying-much! reality check, i'm not interested in u, go find sum1 else.. budden, i obviously didn't say dat. i gave VALID reasons.. mark d valid. i wanna focus on my studies n datz a TRUTH! n another truth which i'm really scared to mention is dat my heart is sumwhere else tho itz not yet with sum1 else but at least, itz sumwhere else. At least, I'm not dragging those 2 guyz along.. i ain't dat kinda bitch.. if i were to be a bitch, i'll be a respectable one n die with honour.. Divined bitch? lol.

I suppose I shud end here n i really hope the particular sum1 reads dis.. I'm not gg to tell him i update my blog. i guess he'll give d kinda response which makes me pissed lyk "i m not bothered". tsk. so ya, if he can be bothered or at least cares, he wud read. i actually tried to find sum tym to type dis whole thing caz i juz needa express how I really feel. If his heart belongs to sum1 else, I wud really appreciate if he tell me d truth. I noe it hurtz but datz part of lyf. Dere's ups n downs.

n plus, i wud understand that he cannot accept me n d fact that my health isn't improving n i haf to go for surgery for every 3 mths. which guy wants? NO GUY. reality check. moreover, i wudn't wanna destroy other's life juz caz i'm not as capable. i believe in if d guy really loves me wholeheartedly, he wud accept me at any means. aww.. datz sweet isn't it.

Acknowledging Mel. Tan. thx for d get well gift n card.. i appreciate them lotz. dere's no cure for my illness but dat was definitely a cure for my spirit. thx. luv u lotz my fren.

Gotta end here.. so tired..

Wabillahitaufik walhidayah wassalamualaikum warrahmatullahi ta'ala wabarrakatuh

23:08